I've been working on interviewing people for The Mayalouise Project (coming soon to the site). These people are making their own way in the world, sticking to what is authentic to them, and in doing so- making the world a better place. Needless to say this has left me feeling super inspired. Due to this inspiration, I've been experiencing this odd feeling.. this feeling that says, not only is everything going to be okay, but it's going to be amazing, and your dreams can and will come true. WOAH! Really??
These are shoes I haven't worn in the longest time (about 10 years time to be more specific). And they are so comfortable that I should have known my ego would be around the corner to trip me and break this "the world really is good and magical" spell that I was under. So yesterday, I tripped.
I was at work and extra stressed as we were low on people. And all of the upcoming expenses I had started running through my mind. I felt so overwhelmed. I felt ill equipped. I wanted to cry. I wanted to know HOW I was going to solve all of these problems.
WHAT HAPPENED? I had started the morning in a state of bliss feeling like I was on the right path. Feeling like the universe and I were finally on the same page, and now all of the sudden my fears of the future were worse than ever. If I really believed in manifestation and that the universe was on my side, how could these fears be real?
I slept on my issues, and luckily this morning I got to talk to one of these awesome people on my interview list, and she gave me great advice. The advice was, "Don't worry about the HOW". She went on to tell me that we don't know HOW the universe is going to take care of things, we just have to believe it will, and it will. It sounds simple. It sounds reckless to the logical part of us. But it's true. And I know this because when I look back into my life at the times I really wanted or needed something, but didn't know HOW it would happen.. it happened anyway. It turns out that when we are focused on the right feelings/outcome/idea... the HOW will take care of itself.
A FEW EXAMPLES:
When I was trying to get into San Diego State University I was blindsided with the information that they did not accept lower division transfers. I would have to be up to junior status in credits to be accepted. I only had a year of college under my belt and would have another semester to do as much as I could. HOW was I going to fix this? I certainly didn't have a plan when I got that information. I felt really crushed actually. But then I found out some other information.. like that I could test out of classes and earn the credits for them without adding them to my schedule. And that I could "overload" that last semester and reach just enough credits... to get accepted.
And as my college years came to close, and I was wondering HOW I was going to continue to live in California after graduation, I took a trip to Vegas and mindlessly kept pushing the "max bet" button on a slot machine. And then bells and whistles went off... because I hit a progressive jackpot. I paid my rent for an apartment 7 blocks from the beach with that money for six months.
Another example that came to mind was being an overweight kid. I can't remember a time in my childhood that I was not aware of being fat. It was a constant in my life, but I knew it wouldn't always be that way. I had no idea HOW I would lose weight, but deep in my heart and mind I knew that I would. Come to think of it, as I child, I didn't really worry about it. I felt sad about it, but I didn't worry about HOW to change it. And then the universe took care of it. The universe delivered (via my grandparents) a used treadmill from a garage sale right to our basement. And I started walking on it, then running on it. And with a commitment to a new love of running, and some hard work, the weight came off.
I'm not sure HOW I will "fix" the problems in my life that I stress about. I'm not sure exactly HOW I can cut ties with "the man" and never have to work for someone again because I'm able to support myself by doing things I love. I'm not sure HOW everything will work out. But here's to believing that everything truly will. :)
"If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything." -Thich Nhat Hanh
Very recently, I spent about a half hour journaling what my perfect home would be like (in response to an awesome exercise about manifesting). I had given myself a house on the beach with a pool, an organic garden, and window seats to lounge on while I read in the sunlight. Deliciousness.
But then I turned away from my document and got back to work. And on my way home, I found myself in a space that's quite familiar. After a long day at a place that feels so very out of my alignment, I finally parked my car and grabbed my lunch bag. Running through my head were angry thoughts like- "I wasted my entire day there and now I only have a few hours before I have to go to bed and start the day over again". And tired thoughts- "My feet hurt. I'm not going to get much done. I just want to rest". But then the saving thought that crosses my mind most nights when I finally get closer to my door is that my little black cat Maya will be sitting there, at the glass door waiting for me. This thought always cheers me up. You have to picture this little being, sitting as politely as she can, looking out the window for her Mom.
The huge shift this thought made in my feeling of well-being was so noticeable that I stopped in my tracks. I looked up at the night sky and found the moon right away. I have seen that same moon so many different times and places. It was there when I was jumping on a trampoline as a 10 year on a summer night in Ohio. It was there salsa dancing with me in Sydney. And it was here again on a night that seemed less special- more disconnected. But was this night less special?
It dawned on me that when I really am in the perfect home I had wrote about earlier that day, that I certainly will have a memory of this time in my life. When I look back, I probably won't think as much about how difficult it was for me to go to work everyday. I probably won't think about my feet hurting either. What I am sure I will remember is Maya waiting for me at the door and how happy it made me feel.
So, I realized that I need to appreciate this now, while it's here. Because it's beautiful. Because I'll miss it if it's ever not a part of my life. Because sometimes the small little things light you up. Because life can be hard and yucky, but it can also be yummy and exciting and comforting. Because after a day of frustration, the universe is giving me a gift of peace and happiness and I don't want to ignore it.
What gifts show up for you when you step into the present?
It started in 3rd grade. Too young? Maybe.
I would come home from school and find my mother and sister watching it. They would get so excited- everything was so dramatic. Lots of crying, lots of passionate make-outs, glasses being thrown against walls and shattering to the floor mirroring the characters broken hearts and dreams. It was called General Hospital and I was hooked...
I'd like to take a moment to say that I have been clean and sober of my soap opera addiction for years now. And although I use the word addiction in jest... it's not totally off. I spent an hour 5 days a week devoted to watching the show. Then there were the magazines, the discussions with friends, and the ultimate dream of moving to Hollywood and being on the show myself (And I'm still totally open to that and would like to mention I can cry on cue). But by now, I thought I was totally free and clear of it all. That is until I realized, I have a Sony Corinthos Complex.
Sony Corinthos was the mysterious, "sexy" (a little out of my age range for this to ring true for me), dangerous man who always wore suits and answered only to himself. His professional title to the public was a coffee importer/exporter. But he was running the local mob. He was untouchable- could have everything and anything he wanted. Totally free from rules. And his still waters ran deep as we watched him fall in love hundreds of times with different beautiful women. But the most famous of Sony's relationships was his relationship with Brenda Barrett.
Of all of the soap opera couples they were my favorite. She was so beautiful and loved this damaged man more than any of the other woman that came in and out of his penthouse. He left her at the alter, she came back from the dead. They almost died more times then I could count- envoking a sense of a Romeo and Juliet kind of love. Even when Brenda was with Jax, an Australian business man who worshiped her, we all knew her heart would always belong to Sonny no matter whose ring was on her finger.
Needless to say it was interesting when it dawned on me that General Hospital had not left my life with a clean break as I thought it had. It had left an imprint on me. I realized this when I noticed that even while I was dating someone who was perfectly great on his own. I found myself upset that I didn't feel that crazy, obesessive spark that I felt with... well... my very own Sonny Corinthos.
It was love at first sight- for me at least. He wasn't running a mob (although he did partake in some illegal activities). He wasn't dangerous, but he was mysterious. He was a rule breaker. He was gorgeous. And he made my heart race. And no matter who I was with and how great they treated me, I couldn't seem to let go of him. And yet just like Brenda, I always found myself standing alone in the rain- ok figurative rain, and see the video below if you're not a GH fan.
And only recently have I realized how unhealthy this is. Soap Operas are not real life (did I really need to learn that?). And there is something about young love that lifts us up and knocks us so hard to the floor that makes it feel super important. But love isn't obsession. Love isn't leaving when the other person wants and needs you most. And what Sonny and Brenda had, doesn't work after 25. The same way 4 hours of sleep doesn't seem to cut it anymore, neither does the guy who keeps you on hold. If there's a person in your life coming into your mind for almost every Lana Del Rey song you hear... you may have your own Sonny Corinthos Complex too...