Winter. It's never an easy season for me. Nature seems to seal my beloved sunshine as days get shorter, the temperatures drop (even here in Southern California), and I usually find myself a little more down than any other time of year. This month really brought all of that on and I found myself anxiously depressed. I was bummed about a lot and immediately thought of all of the things in my life that I needed to fix and take control of.
I've learned that when I feel the need to "fix" things, I really just need to have more faith. During these times I have to give up this silly idea of control and BELIEVE that the universe has my back and will lead me down whatever path I need to find. And most of the time, guided meditation helps me relax.
So during a body inquiry type meditation, I felt my sadness, I felt my anxiety, I felt a lot of anger. And then I saw it. I was blue and electric against a black background. And then... it spoke to me.
My body screamed, "You're not listening to me!" And it shook me. I wanted to explain- "I am listening but I don't know what to do! I know you're unhappy and I'm trying so hard to fix everything. I don't know what else to do and I don't want this pressure." There was guilt and there was defensiveness. And then I waited for another message. How could I listen to my body if it shut up after one sentence?
So I walked around for days wondering what my body wanted me to do. What could I do in these circumstances? What did it really want?
This lead to another period of quiet time to observe my body. I was guided to hold my questions for this statement in kindness and with patience (ah patience, my biggest challenge). "But what am I supposed to be doing exactly?", I questioned...after all I did want to get this right so I could find the answers I was looking for. I didn't want to mess things up.
"What if you didn't have to do anything", was the response I got. And I with that tears silently streamed down my face. I couldn't be comfortable with not doing anything, because I never occupy that space in life.
And so that's what I did. I did nothing. In my minds eye I sat next to the phrase "You're not listening to me!" and just like a small child that screams for your attention, I realized the phrase just wanted me there. It wanted my attention. It wanted me to stop, to sit beside it, to let it know that I was there with it, and when it was ready to tell me more, I would be right here. No pressure.
It was such a beautiful experience and idea that it's stayed with me the past few days. I've been dancing with the idea that when I panic and feel that I must have an immediate solution, I may just be able to do nothing instead. It might be possible to give myself a break. To let the universe do its thing, and just relax.
Let me know if you ever practice "doing nothing" as a solution... :)